I find that I’m struggling to have myself open to a partner. I tend to go after the unattainable and when someone walks in who seems okay, it feels like settling. I want to passion, the challenge, the peace. How can I keep my dreaming, wild heart whilst making room for more realistic love?
I received this question, anonymously, last week. I read it a couple of times and I also had Charlie read it. Questions and Answers are always up for interpretation and here's ours.
Our advice is to make a list. List out those "dreamy, wild, passionate, challenging, etc." qualities you want in a spouse. I mean, write a VERY specific list. I've found that many single people today, male or female, either have extremely high expectations or extremely low expectations. The high expectations are from constant influences (literally constant). Social media is a highlight reel but our mind doesn't know that so we assume that the perfection we see online, in magazines, or in movies must be real. These expectations only hurt us.
Low expectations are just as dangerous because it's a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and considering the vacant expectations we have set it means we don't feel very good about ourselves. Low expectations stem from the belief that we aren't good enough. The belief that someone (possibly everyone) has more to offer than we do. It's an ugly lie that we sell ourselves daily.
I advise you to make a list a specific list, because it suppresses the high, the low and allows us to determine what we need and want.
Here's an example:
-Man after God
-Man that challenges me
-Man that I can laugh with
Now these are just three examples and none of them have to do with physical appearance and it shouldn't. Physical attraction is easy...it doesn't lie! You know whether or not you're physically attracted to someone so you don't have to write that down. BUTTT physical attraction is also the main reason you really need that list because you don't want to be infatuated and then 6 months later disappointed (once the infatuation wears off) that this man or woman isn't challenging you, great at asking questions or wild at heart too.
Now I would also like to mention that often times when we are single we wonder where Mr. "Right" or Mrs. "Right" is. However, you have to focus on yourself too. Are you ready to enter a relationship? Are you ready to handle someone else's hurts? Are you ready to sacrifice time for someone else?
There was a period of time in my life when I realized that although I desired to have a boyfriend and meet my future Husband (which these two ideas should go together) I wasn't ready. My heart was far too selfish, my relationship with Jesus was weak and I desired a man for the purpose to be served. I selfishly desired a man just to feel loved, to be given affirmation, to be supported and many other desires. Thankfully, I turned my eyes away from the world and to Jesus. He was my priority and the rest followed.
So, Mr. or Ms. Anonymous., I say check your heart and your desire for a relationship. There is no such thing as unattainable and don't let anyone make you feel like there is. The feeling of settling should just tell you that you aren't a good match, AND THAT IS OKAY! Make sure you define "the passion, the challenge, the peace" to yourself. You have to fully understand your desires. I recommend making a list to better understand your desires and to also realize that every characteristic on that list won't be checked off and that is also OKAY! Keep dreaming, continue to be wild at heart but don't put the idea of love and a relationship on a pedestal.
Pray for your future spouse and pray that the Lord would also prepare you. Don't seek fulfillment in a relationship you will only be let down. Only true fulfillment can come from Jesus. There is no law that says you have to be in a relationship so don't feel like you have to be in one! Turn your eyes upon Jesus and seek him. Be in relationship with Him first.